They say that hindsight is 20-20.  We see things more clearly when we look back.. but then again, they also say that we look back through rose-colored glasses.  So, what’s the truth?  Honestly, I don’t know.  I think that our perspective changes.  When we’re in a rut, we think back to what we had and essentially, what we lost.  He was amazing… the sex was great…. he made me laugh… I loved every second that I spent with him.  But then there are those times when we meet another who just knocks our socks off.  Thinking back, we realize.. wait, the sex was actually boring.  He was boring.. and we fought.  All the time.  Maybe its circumstance that changes our perspectives.  Either way, the initial question still needs further exploration – is it okay to go back?

There’s no doubt that you miss each other.  You’ll go back and the make-up sex will be fantastic (whether or not it was great – or boring- before).  You’ll get on a love-high again and the honeymoon period will begin.  But inevitably, especially if you hadn’t had time to grow.. and if its the girl, too, who is pushing for the reconnection.. things will go back to once was.  And, do you want what the reality of “once was” for the rest of your life?  If things didn’t work out after 3 weeks.. 3 months.. 3 years.. how will they be after 33 years?  Relationships are a lot of work.  Both parties need to be fully invested.  In a day and age where the next partner is just a mouse click or a text away, its becoming increasingly difficult to find that level of commitment.  Nevertheless, its too soon to settle for what was.. because the reality of the situation is that it really wasn’t that much.  As rosy as things may seem now… it just wasn’t.  Move on.. make yourself sexy for the next one and not just for the next one.. for the you that will not take second best.

So, what do you do when a guy who you have a lunch date with.. sends you and FYI that he would like to go dutch because he’s spent so much money on dates that have gone nowhere?  Or, the guy who lists 150K+ in his profile but suggests that you meet at 9pm at Starbucks.. and only after you text him to find out where exactly you were supposed to meet?  What do you do?  You cancel, ladies.  Just don’t waste your time.. if you get that initial rubbed the wrong way rubbing.  I’m sure there are those who disagree.. and don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting dinner at Per Se for date #1… but at least a decent non-franchised environment.  Coffee is fine.. but choose a more original place.  Please.  Make some kind of indication, men, that you care and will make an effort to win our affections.  And ladies, you aren’t desperate.  No no no.  Remember the cheetah.. the man is to impress and worry about if you will receive him.  Not vice versa.  Primitive, but true.

First impressions are everything.  Because who knows.. if you don’t listen to those first impressions or that precious gut of yours.. you may just end up seeing your ex-boyfriend on primetime, in handcuffs.  When all along something told you there was just “something” a little off.  ;)

As some of you may (or may not!) have noticed, I took a break from blogging.  In fact, I took a break from dating.  I needed time to re-find myself and to re-prioritize what I want, first for me.. and next in a mate.  The marathon match dates were getting to be too much.. and in the end, hurting my self-esteem more than helping it.  I had to throw in the towel and stop.. take a step back to better prepare myself for taking a step forward.  It was probably the best thing that I could have done for myself.

Just like taking a vacation from work to refresh.. it is beneficial to step back and reevaluate your life.  Our employers aren’t the only ones who should give us annual evaluations.  With this new year upon us, evaluate yourself.  Are you where you want to be.. professionally, socially… romantically?  What needs improvement and how must we do to take that first step?  Oftentimes, we get comfortable.. and get used to our tunnel vision… and are afraid to let go of something that we are simply okay with or indifferent towards.  Or someone who merely fills the void.. instead of enhancing it.

For me, I romantically lost myself somewhere.  I started dreading dating… and it showed.  On each date, I went in with a negative, jaded attitude.. and then would get upset if he didn’t like me.  Even if I liked him.. the more important part, for me, was him liking me.  F*ed up, no?  So, I had to just stop.  My priorities were out-of-whack and maladaptive… and unfair.

So, after a three month dating hiatus.. I am back on the scene – but this time it is different.  I can’t exactly explain it… I even went out with a bald guy and really liked him.  But I feel more aware… and okay.  And ready.  And, back of the mentality that dating should be, and is, fun.  As are many, many other things in life.

Actual song lyrics:

Well there’s a rose in the fisted glove and the eagle flies with the dove, and if you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with.. love the one you’re with..love the one you’re with..love the one you’re with.

Don’t be angry, don’t be sad, and don’t sit cryin’ over good times you’ve had. There’s a girl right next to you, and she’s just waitin’ for something to do.

Dit dit dit dit dit dit dit dit, dit dit dit dit dit dit dit dit, dit dit dit dit dit dit dit dit, dit dit dit, dit dit dit.

Turn your heartache right into joy, she’s a girl, and you’re a boy. Well get it together, make it real nice,
You ain’t gonna need anymore advice.

So, what do we think of this?

I think there’s a fine line, ladies! Please don’t compromise your core musts.  Does the guy next to me have a full-head of hair?  That’s what I’m asking.  Is this ridiculous?  Totally.  Am I ready to compromise this though?  Not yet.  (Note: “yet”).  But my other musts include honesty, a good sense of humor and loving me.  Ask yourself what your musts are!  How do you want to feel?  How do you want him to make you feel?  Does the “eh” man make you feel that way?  Does he meet most of your musts without you even realizing it?  Does someone right under our noses already have the key ingredients we are looking for?  Maybe “eh” has the potential to turn into “ahhh”… Could it?

All too often we like men who leave us guessing.  Guessing how they feel about us.. guessing if they really are just out with the guys for the night.  I think too often we equate this feeling of inadequacy with love.  We think that these are the guys who can offer us everything – just because our stomachs do somersaults when we see his name pop up on our phones.  And don’t get me wrong.. that feeling is great!  But remember that we are hot commodities.. and if its a long-term relationship we are seeking.. we have to ask ourselves if these are the ones who are really in it for the long haul.  Who will make good husbands and good parents?  The ones who will see us through thick and thin.

So, back to the question of loving the one you’re with.  Well.. think about your long-term relationship goals.. make that list.. and if you’re lucky enough to have a good contender in the running (hair or no hair).. open yourself up to letting him love you.. and maybe even vice versa.   

He broke your heart.  Now what?

You feel down in the dumps and just keep reliving how it happened.  What did you do? (nothing).  What could you have done differently? (nothing).  You’re just at the stage where you don’t see a way out.  If you actually do fall asleep, you dream about him.  If you’re awake, you can’t help but stare at the empty pillow next to you.  It’s heart-wrenching.  But.. things will get better.  It’s so hard to believe.  But they will.  How do you take that first step though?

First, you have to dispel the notion that he made a mistake, that he will realize it.. and that he will come crawling back.  Because even if he does, it is going to take a lot of time to sort through what went wrong the first time.  How will you prevent yourself from falling into that same trap?  After he said what he said, can you really be emotionally available to him again?  It’s more than just an apology.  If he came back, it would take much more work on both your parts.  You’d have great sex.. great conversations..but that re-honeymoon period would be brief and the routine would restart.  Trust me.  Life is cyclical.

Maybe he does call though..  to say hello or to wish you a happy birthday.  Our hearts skip that beat.  We become optimistic.  Why is he reaching out to me?  This could only mean that he wants me back.  But does it always mean just that?  Maybe he’s lonely.. or feeling guilty.. or who knows, maybe he is regretting his decision.  But be careful.  We want to believe our prayers have been answered, we want to think the best, but maybe the best is just letting go.  Look out for you and that fragile heart of yours.

And that’s if.  Like I said, you have to tell yourself that he’s not going to.  And ask yourself if you even want him to, after what was said and what was done.  I know you want to know that he misses you.  Guess what.. he does.  I know you want to hear it from him.. but it will just bring you back.  Set you back.

To start fresh you have to free yourself.  Go through the old emails, photos, etc. if you have to.  Feel the emotion and the saddness….then release.  Delete him as your friend on facebook.   I know you want to email him, call him, run into him.. but do yourself a favor: just don’t.  It’s just a viscious cycle.  Surround yourself by positive people and tell yourself that you are now free.  Free to start fresh and free to open yourself up to someone new who will complete you in a way he never could.  Let yourself grieve then let go.

As promised, this week we will talk about body language.  And a bit of biology.  Saddle up!

1. Flirting 101:

http://www.learnbodylanguage.org/flirting_1.html

(My favorite part of the article, by the way is the parenthetical commentary.  HAD TO BE WRITTEN BY A MAN!).

But, let’s talk about this.  According to this write-up, “Women read body language much better than men. Men make a lot of mistakes in displaying their body language and make it easy for women to read their intentions.”  This we know.  Trust your gut, ladies.

Next, flirtation.  Basically, this article suggests teasing him with s-e-x.  Does it not?  From a biological and evolutionary perspective, this makes sense.  He’s an animal, but at the end of the day – we are too.  The overarching goal of animals are reproduction and propagation.  As much as we may or may not want to admit that.  But even though men are programmed to spread their seed and women to nurture their seed, we’d like the man to stick around.  Help out a bit, you know?  Hence, our fascinations and dreams about marriage.  And if that’s what we want we must start by attracting.. So, twirl your hair.. give a light touch.. lick your lips.. and

Expose your armpit!  You naturally release chemicals to attract men!  We aren’t back in the days of showering once a month.  Most of us don’t have odors to mask (Note: “most”).. so let your body do its work and send out its own signals!  Crazy, notion.. I know.. But, there are unconscious scents that men pick up on to let them know we are ovulating and to make them want us.  It’s true – Google it!  If only I were ovulating more often!

2. Overall lame body language:

You never get a second chance to make a first impression.  Do we like men who slouch, have a wet fish handshake, look like they got hit by a bus .. – no!  Put your best face forward from the get-go.  And, be assertive!  There is nothing more sexy than an assertive, confident woman.

Look at him in the eye!  This goes back to assertion.  And also disinterest.  We know a guy likes us when he gives us that “stare”.  To give is to receive.. so give it!

And most importantly, SMILE!  I HATE men who don’t smile.  Who wants to hang out with a lame guy – not me!!

3. First date outfit:

What to wear on the first date.  Such a challenge!  I say look put together and sexy.. but not too too sexy.  Show some skin.. but don’t go overboard here.  Make yourself up, but don’t look like a clown.  Spark his imagination but leave something to be desired.  Essentially: tease him.  Remember, that how you dress is a reflection of how you view yourself.  It’s an expression of your personality.  What do you want him to know about you?

So, now that we will be sexy but subtle, staring, smiling and smelling this weekend.. Make it a good one!

Practice Flirt and Flatter! 

Behold cheetah courtship:

Why did I choose the cheetah?  Well, besides the “cheetah” being a terribly appropriate choice given the focus of this blog, I like big cats.  But, I digress…  So, what are we, as women, to take away from a video about cheetah courtship?

For starters, the male cheetah waited 7 hours for the female cheetah to come down from her perch.  7 hours!  And ladies -  what did that female cheetah during that time?  Sleep!  The male was down there popping horns, meowing for her attention, walking in circles.. and the female decided to take a nap.  Do you not love her?

What am I saying here?  Women need to relax.  And just stop!  Have interests.  Be assertive.  Men are programmed to chase.  By God, let them!  Stop chasing, stalking, and causing your mascara to run.  To quote Rage Against the Machine, “take the power back”!

Am I saying you should be completely ambivalent towards your love interest?  Heck no!  Open yourself up but don’t compromise yourself.  Flirt and flatter.  But at the end of the day, let nature take its course.

Stay tuned next week for body language! 

Remember how they advised you to review the reading passages for the SAT?  First sentence, last sentence.. skim in-between.  That’s what I do with the profile.

Let’s dissect:

1. “I was forced to join..” / “I’m only on here because they gave me a free membership” / “My parents are paying for this”:  Have some enthusiasm!  You may think you’re too cool to be online dating, but guess what?  I’m on here.  We’re all on here!  I heard someone tell someone on the street once, “Just pretend that where you are is exactly where you want to be.”  Agreed.  You’re a dud.

2. “I’m just an average guy..”:  Ugh.  These are the profiles I read when I have trouble sleeping and ran out of Tylenol PM.  Have some confidence.  And interests.  Give me someone with an edge.. a personality.  Average is so passe..

3. “I’ve met people on this before..“:  Sorry that didn’t work out for you.  Okay, this might not be so bad, but I prefer no mention of any past relationships.

4. “I like long walks on the beech..”:  Spellcheck.  Hit the road.

5. Profile names: ivystudmuffin, smartassfarmboy, gogiants, hotbod, lickit.  They just don’t ruffle my feathers.

6. “I’m not looking for anything serious..”:  Okay, playa.  I hope it hasn’t been too tough for you since they removed “erotica” from the list of interests.

7. Interests: Like I said, my favorite was the guy who wrote: “girls”.  At least he caught my attention.

I could go on.. and on…

At the end of the day, this is a marketing game.  These guys, and you and me, are marketing ourselves.  We all like to travel.  We all like to sometimes stay in, sometimes go out.  Say something original, witty.. something we can latch on to!  Guys are everywhere.  Why should I bother with you?  Make yourself stand out!

I could continue on this online dating rampage… What do you think?  Should I take a detour?  So much material to cover!!  I mean.. the initial contact, first date, post-date etiquette.. yikes!!

I’ll think about it.. but in the meantime, have a sexy weekend!

Flirt and Flatter, ladies.

Am I qualified to make a list of dos and don’ts for online dating?  Certainly not!  While I have yet to find true love online, I’m still compelled to advise in the hope that such advice will lead you closer to your one true cyber love.. or away from the date who tells you he’d be happy eating Subway sandwiches for dinner for the rest of his life.  (It happened.  And no, it wasn’t Jared the Subway Guy).

Part One:  MAKING IT PAST THE PROFILE PICTURE
Call me vain or just admit it: its the first thing you look at and it matters.  Start or end your search here with these tips:

1.  No picture = no go.  If you don’t get why, we need to talk.

2. The glamour shot:  Personally, I don’t and wouldn’t.  Either he’s vain and/or an actor.  BUT this is a personal preference.  I’m an awful actress with a shamefully underdeveloped appreciation for the craft and my biggest fear is someone making me do an onstage skit.  If he’s vain, there’s a better chance we’d get along, but I still say no.

3. The fuzzy/grainy picture:  No.  Probably an old picture before the dawn of the digital camera.  I dated a grainy picture who was definitely at least 10 years older than his picture.  And to add to my suspicion that he was an age-fudger, he told me he just got back from a colonoscopy.   Until they have an age-progression app on match.com, don’t go.

4. Picture with his arm around what can only be an old flame: He MAY still be somewhat attached to this girl, even if just emotionally.  I mean, he couldn’t crop her out?

5. The mirror shot: Umm… To quote a dear friend, “Couldn’t he get any friends to take the picture?”  Plus, those pictures just creep me out.  No.

6. Stone-face:  He doesn’t smile.  Probably a dud.  Go if you want, but come up with an exit strategy well in advance so you can get the hell out of there when time stands still.  Because it will.

7. The shirtless picture:  If he’s showing you his, chances are he’s on there to see yours.

8. Full-on face.  Fully clothed.  Smiling.  No arm-candy: Ding ding ding!

Stay tuned next week for Part Two: The Profile.  Preview:  If he lists “girls” in his interests, you must not go.

Date #1: He uses more hair products than I do.
Value: Ho-hum.

Date #2: He has plugs.
Value: Cringe.

Date #3: You meet a guy at a bar and he has a full, beautiful head of hair.  You meet him for your first official date and don’t recognize him because he shaved off all his hair except for a handprint on the back of his head.  Handprint takes you to one of the fanciest bars in NY and you run into your ex-boyfriend who broke your heart only weeks before.
Value: Priceless.

My stories need to be recorded.  I know that.  So, I decided to start blogging.  But then I got stuck.  How could I accurately describe the guy who cancelled on me because his ex-girlfriend’s cat was in the animal hospital?  Or, the guy who told me he loved me on the second date?  (Same guy).  Or, the guy who told me the only feeling he ever felt was hunger?  Or, the one who took me to The Cock on a first date?  It would be too much!  Too too much.  And, I would probably live in fear that these guys would find out.  Call it grandiose of me.. or paranoid..  but I would.

So, I decided that my experiences have undoubtedly qualified me to dissect and discuss dating.  Not so much to discuss my own dating life, but to talk about the bigger themes we all can relate to.  And, ultimately, to encourage other like-minded urban singletons out there, like myself, to see the light and bright side of dating.  The goal is to motivate, to keep it real and to hopefully get a laugh or two out of this.  Dating can be (and is!) fun.. and funny.

Send me your stories, ideas, dating dilemmas.. and let’s get started!